As someone who DID get to berate my last ex, in a public place and for more than an hour (lol), listing off everything he did wrong and all of the reasons he’s a pathetic loser who I hate… it didn’t actually help. It felt good in the moment, sure, but honestly in the end it felt about the same as if I hadn’t at all. He didn’t apologize in the ways I wanted him to, he didn’t take accountability for anything I didn’t bring up first, and at the end of it all I felt embarrassed for even giving him the satisfaction of seeing me angry. I wish I had just blocked and moved on, but instead our conversation wound up ending on a semi ok note so I kept following him on social media, which just dragged out the heartache even longer. You did the right thing even if it doesn’t feel that way, because getting worked up in their presence just gives them more ammo to think you’re crazy or that you’re overreacting or whatever other unflattering thing they can think of, while blocking ensures that they’ll think of and wonder about you and probably reflect at least a little on what they did. I get it, though — as someone who feels everything so deeply, I’m furious knowing they aren’t doing the same, or have just moved on to some other girl they’ll fuck up too. Thank you for writing and sharing this because it’s deeply relatable and is ultimately gonna be more cathartic than anything you could say to that man’s face.
this is probably extremely correct despite my mind URGING me otherwise. i think for me it bothers me especially because my ex treated me with "respectful" kid gloves in our breakup (for example: never reached out to me after the fire because he didn't want to just "come in and stir up any unresolved emotions during a traumatic time"), and the whole time postured like he was trying to be mindful of my feelings but it was transparently all for him and his cowardice. even when i confronted him about it he still wouldn't admit it and put it all on me and "my feelings." it bugs me that he views himself as having done the kind and respectful thing, but i guess going nuts on him would have made me look a lot worse by comparison. i've just never in my life actually freaked out on someone and so part of me feels like it would be therapeutic to just once get one good one in haha. but another reply did give me some good advice which was to train my mind to just focus on things and people that make me happy when i feel myself fixating on these past relationships. it's definitely a bad habit i need to learn to break where i just spiral into a hole of pointless anger.
My ex did the SAME THING ughhhh, played nice guy in the breakup out of “respect for me”. (I found out later he was secretly poly behind my back the whole time so that was the source of my bitching him out months later — I’m so glad he respected me enough to break up with me kindly but not enough to not lie to me for eight months 🤪). It fucking sucks and it’s made all the worse by their passiveness so I feel you. I let my rage get the better of me and though it DOES feel temporarily therapeutic it really does just lead to more months of mental torment on the other side because you think of things you forgot to say, or dwell on spots where you could have been meaner, etc — basically it’s never “enough” no matter how it goes. I love the advice about just focusing on good people in your life when your mind starts wandering that way. I do that now too and it helps SO much. Whenever his stupid face pops up in my head I try to replace it with a loved one, and I also try to remember that whoever gets him next is just getting the same broken person. I hope you’re able to cast him the fuck out with some time, he didn’t deserve you!!!
Brings to mind the MAD MEN "I feel bad for you" / "I don't think about you at all" meme.
Everything I see about Don Draper, he sucks and he's dumb, but he's the hero of his own life and the center of a dark universe. Some (most?) people on the show are/become rightfully disgusted with Don Draper but no one in pop culture is disgusted with Don Draper. Most importantly, Don Draper isn't disgusted with Don Draper in the memeiverse.
Half of the prestige TV shows go right-down-the-middle on this point, that for some people there is very little which makes them disgusted with themselves & consequently little that makes other people disgusted at them as long as they "pull it off". This runs contrary to any notions of shared social justice, which some of us feel very sharply about.
And breakups are a good example. People are pretty cruel about letting a wronged ex suffer alone. They're entirely comfortable orbiting their chosen person, even if they're a jerk. That part is extremely aggravating, sometimes more than the breakup itself. That lack-of-respect hits the worst way at the worst time. Same for friend breakups as romantic breakups.
i was thinking about "i feel bad for you / " i don't think about you at all" while writing this lol! i don't even remember the original context of that scene because it's been a full decade since i watched mad men, but i do believe the meaning of the moment has been totally contorted in its memeified state. (possibly adds to your point a little?)
as i've gotten older, it's become more difficult for me to just "let things go" which is how i dealt with most conflict when i was younger. when i reach this sort of stalemate with someone, it's hard to just forget the anger just because there's nowhere else to go with it. holding onto anger is toxic, and most people will tell you you should just lead with empathy even towards the people who hurt you, but that part is even harder for me because that feels unfair to myself. it's the unfairness that nags at me, and i really don't know what i need to do to just finally go "okay," and it's probably harder when i feel a lack of contentment in my own life.
“Lead with empathy” works with addressing conflict with a stranger, but it’s maddeningly, laughably awful advice for dealing with someone who has rejected you interpersonally. It IS unfair to you!
I wrote something else, but I backed it out of my first comment and I’ll sum it up here: the inner monologue confrontations with memories of people are a trauma reaction that develops into brain habit & becomes an unconscious prompt and/or a trigger. Habit is different from insight/discovery. Habit is just recall. There is no function to it, it doesn’t lead to contentment. Breaking mental habits requires mental presence and intention - when the mind prompts the unproductive thought, interrupt it and change the subject internally. Do that until your brain gives up on the topic, which it will soon enough. It’s perhaps exhausting to hear this in a moment of anxiety but what tends to work best is to be intentional thinking about things that bring you happiness and joy, enough that your brain starts to form the habit of prompting you about those ideas instead. And this is where “gratitude” and “meditation” are obnoxiously effective!
I feel you on all this, I’m going thru this today with a life pursuit/activism thing that keeps curdling harder IRL every time I react to it. I was triggered today by new info… and I was correct how I assessed that info, I nailed it very hard… the responses I got just confirm I’m factually correct and my semi-polite (semi-cranky) articulation of it wasn’t appreciated. Spent the majority of the day grinding about it on DMs and emails. I spoke about it 10x as much as anyone polite enough to listen/respond. Blergh! Time to close all tabs & go walk it off to some music
honestly this is very helpful advice, and navigating and quelling these thoughts has definitely become particularly hard over the past few months and especially since i don't have a professional to discuss them with on a regular basis now even if i sometimes felt like we were going around in circles with it at times. i loooooove upsetting myself and spiraling out about it for no literally reason and it's a tough habit to break.
The therapist thing (having to drop it for now) sucks! Mine has helped so much with these kinds of things. I sometimes get really spun up on frustrating things and she gently glides me into acknowledging/coping with how I’m feeling rather than continuing to go on about the frustrating details. It does help. I try to do it more on my own + take notes from time to time to save for the next session.
I once had a breakup that wasn’t even really a breakup (it was an on-and-off non-committed thing) and I was so blindsided and betrayed that I, an adult working professional who lived in a Financial District apartment, didn’t leave the couch for 5 days. I felt so dumb for catching feelings with a known indelicate partner. And yet I was immobile! I was jobless and broke and went from one-hookup to zero. I wanted a piano to fall on my head. Abandonment cuts deep and you never know how hard you’ll take it at any given moment. It healed but for a long time I was still having those arguments in my head. I was not crazy, but I wasn’t handling it well and I had to learn. And it was a compound situation with job applications being crappy and feeling really lost with that too. Don’t feel bad. These are all-hands-on-deck situations. Just have to cut off the going-in-circles part before it breaks more stuff in your life (and I’ve shamefully done that too, when I was much younger and messier)
As someone who DID get to berate my last ex, in a public place and for more than an hour (lol), listing off everything he did wrong and all of the reasons he’s a pathetic loser who I hate… it didn’t actually help. It felt good in the moment, sure, but honestly in the end it felt about the same as if I hadn’t at all. He didn’t apologize in the ways I wanted him to, he didn’t take accountability for anything I didn’t bring up first, and at the end of it all I felt embarrassed for even giving him the satisfaction of seeing me angry. I wish I had just blocked and moved on, but instead our conversation wound up ending on a semi ok note so I kept following him on social media, which just dragged out the heartache even longer. You did the right thing even if it doesn’t feel that way, because getting worked up in their presence just gives them more ammo to think you’re crazy or that you’re overreacting or whatever other unflattering thing they can think of, while blocking ensures that they’ll think of and wonder about you and probably reflect at least a little on what they did. I get it, though — as someone who feels everything so deeply, I’m furious knowing they aren’t doing the same, or have just moved on to some other girl they’ll fuck up too. Thank you for writing and sharing this because it’s deeply relatable and is ultimately gonna be more cathartic than anything you could say to that man’s face.
this is probably extremely correct despite my mind URGING me otherwise. i think for me it bothers me especially because my ex treated me with "respectful" kid gloves in our breakup (for example: never reached out to me after the fire because he didn't want to just "come in and stir up any unresolved emotions during a traumatic time"), and the whole time postured like he was trying to be mindful of my feelings but it was transparently all for him and his cowardice. even when i confronted him about it he still wouldn't admit it and put it all on me and "my feelings." it bugs me that he views himself as having done the kind and respectful thing, but i guess going nuts on him would have made me look a lot worse by comparison. i've just never in my life actually freaked out on someone and so part of me feels like it would be therapeutic to just once get one good one in haha. but another reply did give me some good advice which was to train my mind to just focus on things and people that make me happy when i feel myself fixating on these past relationships. it's definitely a bad habit i need to learn to break where i just spiral into a hole of pointless anger.
My ex did the SAME THING ughhhh, played nice guy in the breakup out of “respect for me”. (I found out later he was secretly poly behind my back the whole time so that was the source of my bitching him out months later — I’m so glad he respected me enough to break up with me kindly but not enough to not lie to me for eight months 🤪). It fucking sucks and it’s made all the worse by their passiveness so I feel you. I let my rage get the better of me and though it DOES feel temporarily therapeutic it really does just lead to more months of mental torment on the other side because you think of things you forgot to say, or dwell on spots where you could have been meaner, etc — basically it’s never “enough” no matter how it goes. I love the advice about just focusing on good people in your life when your mind starts wandering that way. I do that now too and it helps SO much. Whenever his stupid face pops up in my head I try to replace it with a loved one, and I also try to remember that whoever gets him next is just getting the same broken person. I hope you’re able to cast him the fuck out with some time, he didn’t deserve you!!!
lol thank you so much lindsey!!! 😭❤️
Brings to mind the MAD MEN "I feel bad for you" / "I don't think about you at all" meme.
Everything I see about Don Draper, he sucks and he's dumb, but he's the hero of his own life and the center of a dark universe. Some (most?) people on the show are/become rightfully disgusted with Don Draper but no one in pop culture is disgusted with Don Draper. Most importantly, Don Draper isn't disgusted with Don Draper in the memeiverse.
Half of the prestige TV shows go right-down-the-middle on this point, that for some people there is very little which makes them disgusted with themselves & consequently little that makes other people disgusted at them as long as they "pull it off". This runs contrary to any notions of shared social justice, which some of us feel very sharply about.
And breakups are a good example. People are pretty cruel about letting a wronged ex suffer alone. They're entirely comfortable orbiting their chosen person, even if they're a jerk. That part is extremely aggravating, sometimes more than the breakup itself. That lack-of-respect hits the worst way at the worst time. Same for friend breakups as romantic breakups.
i was thinking about "i feel bad for you / " i don't think about you at all" while writing this lol! i don't even remember the original context of that scene because it's been a full decade since i watched mad men, but i do believe the meaning of the moment has been totally contorted in its memeified state. (possibly adds to your point a little?)
as i've gotten older, it's become more difficult for me to just "let things go" which is how i dealt with most conflict when i was younger. when i reach this sort of stalemate with someone, it's hard to just forget the anger just because there's nowhere else to go with it. holding onto anger is toxic, and most people will tell you you should just lead with empathy even towards the people who hurt you, but that part is even harder for me because that feels unfair to myself. it's the unfairness that nags at me, and i really don't know what i need to do to just finally go "okay," and it's probably harder when i feel a lack of contentment in my own life.
“Lead with empathy” works with addressing conflict with a stranger, but it’s maddeningly, laughably awful advice for dealing with someone who has rejected you interpersonally. It IS unfair to you!
I wrote something else, but I backed it out of my first comment and I’ll sum it up here: the inner monologue confrontations with memories of people are a trauma reaction that develops into brain habit & becomes an unconscious prompt and/or a trigger. Habit is different from insight/discovery. Habit is just recall. There is no function to it, it doesn’t lead to contentment. Breaking mental habits requires mental presence and intention - when the mind prompts the unproductive thought, interrupt it and change the subject internally. Do that until your brain gives up on the topic, which it will soon enough. It’s perhaps exhausting to hear this in a moment of anxiety but what tends to work best is to be intentional thinking about things that bring you happiness and joy, enough that your brain starts to form the habit of prompting you about those ideas instead. And this is where “gratitude” and “meditation” are obnoxiously effective!
I feel you on all this, I’m going thru this today with a life pursuit/activism thing that keeps curdling harder IRL every time I react to it. I was triggered today by new info… and I was correct how I assessed that info, I nailed it very hard… the responses I got just confirm I’m factually correct and my semi-polite (semi-cranky) articulation of it wasn’t appreciated. Spent the majority of the day grinding about it on DMs and emails. I spoke about it 10x as much as anyone polite enough to listen/respond. Blergh! Time to close all tabs & go walk it off to some music
honestly this is very helpful advice, and navigating and quelling these thoughts has definitely become particularly hard over the past few months and especially since i don't have a professional to discuss them with on a regular basis now even if i sometimes felt like we were going around in circles with it at times. i loooooove upsetting myself and spiraling out about it for no literally reason and it's a tough habit to break.
The therapist thing (having to drop it for now) sucks! Mine has helped so much with these kinds of things. I sometimes get really spun up on frustrating things and she gently glides me into acknowledging/coping with how I’m feeling rather than continuing to go on about the frustrating details. It does help. I try to do it more on my own + take notes from time to time to save for the next session.
I once had a breakup that wasn’t even really a breakup (it was an on-and-off non-committed thing) and I was so blindsided and betrayed that I, an adult working professional who lived in a Financial District apartment, didn’t leave the couch for 5 days. I felt so dumb for catching feelings with a known indelicate partner. And yet I was immobile! I was jobless and broke and went from one-hookup to zero. I wanted a piano to fall on my head. Abandonment cuts deep and you never know how hard you’ll take it at any given moment. It healed but for a long time I was still having those arguments in my head. I was not crazy, but I wasn’t handling it well and I had to learn. And it was a compound situation with job applications being crappy and feeling really lost with that too. Don’t feel bad. These are all-hands-on-deck situations. Just have to cut off the going-in-circles part before it breaks more stuff in your life (and I’ve shamefully done that too, when I was much younger and messier)
Brilliant piece and incredibly relatable.
thank you lee!!